Padre

The greatest gift I ever had came from God, I call him Dad. He's always been there, even when he's not. He's taught me nearly everything I know, even when he hasn't. He's always given me guidance, even when he hasn't. He's taught me how to solve problems, even when I'm not experiencing them. No matter where I go or what I do, he's there. I am him, and yet I'm not. With everything I have gone through, am experiencing, or have yet to come across, I have been prepared and equipped to handle.

I've been asked who my role model is, and all my life I've never really had an answer. It was never any particular athlete, or great person of history, and contrary to a recent poll it's not Spiderman either. A role model is one who should be looked up to and admired, even one who could be mirrored or modeled after, and that person would be my dad. He's gone above and beyond the call of duty constantly, loved me unconditionally, expected only my best effort from me not caring about what the best outcome could be. He's helped me muster up the courage to tackle obstacles I normally wouldn't have, given me the wisdom to both avoid and attract situations as need be. He was, is, and always will be my best friend, and for all this, I am thankful and blessed.

Love you dad, I pray that one day I will be even half the dad to my children as you are to me.

Letting Go

The question, "How do you know when to let go or take a hint?" was recently posed to me. Given the context of the conversation, it was pertaining to relationships, and with my history of relationships (none) I shall try to answer this.

There are a few things I see just in the phrasing of the question. First, how do you know when to let go. To me it would seem that you are past the point of thinking if you need to let go and are now looking for your off ramp. Most of the time time when we are not sure about whether or not we should stay with someone or something, or stick it out just a little longer, we ask if we've made the right decision in the first place. But once you get to the point where you are asking when you need to end something, it's usually an indicator that you know you either want out or need to get out and end it. What those reasons are could be justified and perfectly reasonable, whether it be infidelity in a relationship, can't meet contractual obligations, etc.

The second part, taking a hint, also points to the fact that hints have been seen but ignored. Hints are not given by accident, they are purposefully given as a way to communicate one thing without having to actually say or act on something at that very moment. Some hints are communicated quite clearly. For example, if your "garden hose" starts to rattle, let it go, it's not happy with you. If you are holding Sylvester and his ears suddenly go back and feels like Beelzebub is rising up, put kitty down and walk away. Those hints are clearly for the benefit of both parties. Snakes don't want to waste venom and risk losing fangs and cats are just lazy and don't really want to exert all that energy shredding your flesh. But there are hints that don't benefit both parties involved, and at times are motivated by selfishness by the one giving the hint.

If someone has to communicate through hints and not just clearly communicate what they are feeling, that's usually an indicator that they are looking for an easy way out and not make themselves look like the "bad guy". Neither of these questions, deciding when to let go or taking a hint, can really be answered until we know the answer to this - Why are you holding on in the first place and is it worth holding?

It Doesn't Interest Me

Alright, I have some questions that were sent to me that I'm finally getting around to posting. These were sent a while back but I finally had time one night to respond. I didn't go question by question, but rather, took different chunks and answered that way. So here we go.

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you’re telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”

Dare I dream to meet my heart’s longing? That is what I ache for, to obtain a closeness with God that penetrates my soul so deep that an ever burning fire is ignited in me so bright that others may see it from afar. Not to have me looked upon by others, but for me to show others who to look upon. Not to raise me up, but to lower myself in humility and raise up my brethren. Not to stand out and above others, but to kneel and lay before God so that others may use me as a stepping stone to not only see, but to reach their highest goals and achieve the highest reward that our Savior has awarded to them.

Is it really a risk to look like a fool if it is for the one you truly love, and would you then be a fool at all? A fool knows not of when true love has consumed him, and an even greater fool fears to express the love that burns so deep within him for fear of social displacement. When one loves genuinely, they can do nothing to resist the responses of this, one of if not the biggest and greatest, emotion. It ties spirits into an inseparable bond that no man can break or come between. Only he who ignores and stifles this feeling is the fool.

Touched my inner sorrow? Not only have I touched it, I have fought with it face to face, fist to fist. This feeling of hate towards me from my own blood, those who have vowed to protect me and are now attacking me with the very things they vowed protection from. I have been gashed and bleeding for far too long, this fight has lasted far longer than necessary, if it was necessary at all. Has it made me shrivel and protect myself from further pain? No, it has made me callused towards such actions, so callused that I fear I am too numb to recognize the deeper pains that others are feeling for fear that I may be gashed once again. Rather than avoiding this fear I have gladly embraced it and may not let it go, to be a reminder to me do defend others from these very attacks and distractions, not to rescue them, but to build and train them to become warriors against such a hate filled army that we may end all further offensive fronts. Moving to hide such fronts does not end them, neither will allowing it to fade, nor fixing them. These attacks and feelings can only be dealt with in one manner and that is to obliterate them. Destroy all weapons and defenses of the enemy and scourge them with righteous wrath. Only through redemption will these battles come to an end, only one Commander in Chief can give the order for such a counter attack. I must be His attentive warrior and await his orders.

When filled with pure joy, the joy of the Father, it would be a shame to hinder our gratitude. A genuine feeling of happiness and love will have nothing stand in its path while on its way to expression. It would be a dishonor not to express such heavenly feelings to the one who gave us this feeling to begin with. If we hinder this joy out of fear of what our peers may contrive, it will only hurt us to know that we are not as devoted as we once thought. Then this ecstasy we once were feeling has turned to sadness, and we have allowed this amazing joy to be stripped from our hearts. There is no reasoning that can be found as to hiding such actions. We should praise Him with all of hearts, all of our souls, all of our being. There will then be no limitations as to how we can express such love and happiness and gratefulness towards our Savior who is this Love that we experience. He is willing to allow us, as sinners, to experience Him on the most personal level possible. How can this be denied?

Disappointing another to be true to yourself is difficult at times to deal with. We risk losing those who are closest to us. But in reality, if we aren’t true to ourselves, are we not then just lying to ourselves? Would we then be lying and untrue to the one who we cannot fool? Being untrue with ourselves is then disappointing to the ultimate friend. Would we be willing to risk the accusation from others of betrayal? I pray that we would. If we betray our souls, we betray He who made that soul with his own hands. The hands that took the time to mold each one of us individually with love and care, the same hands that were nailed to a tree for our wickedness that we allowed to pervert his perfect creation.

Trustworthiness and fidelity are too hard to obtain from others, and too risky to trust others. Why risk ruining any relationship, being friends, romantic, or family? Trust is a tool that holds us together when life is trying to tear us apart, consoles us when we are in need of comfort, and gives us the courage we need when we need that extra little push to go beyond what we have placed as our limits.

Can I see beauty in everyday? Yes. Everyday is filled with God’s love and special hand crafting. There are no ugly days. There are days that have been perverted by the enemy, but they are no match for the perfect days that we experience, and every day is beautiful in God's eyes.

I’m cursed with this ability to go day to day after a tear filled night of grief and wonder. No one knows how I’m feeling from day to day and because of this they offer no help, no guidance, no shoulder to cry on, no ear to lend to just hear my pain for once. But I must be strong, not for the children, but for my brother. If he knew how much I grieve for him every night as I watch him sleep peacefully, he would wish to no longer exist. I can’t bear even the thought of that. I love him too much. I don’t want to go a day without seeing him smile and ignore all of his inabilities as we talk and laugh. It’s just no fair, but fair or not, I must keep moving. One day this will all be behind us, I try to leave it in God’s hands but, I have trouble letting go. I don’t know why. I guess I keep going on and on in search of that very answer. The day will come, however, that I will let go and Josh will run free with no worries or cares anymore.

The fire in which we will stand together has no power over the fire that burns within us. This very fire is the same source of power the holds me together when the world is tearing me apart. The bond that I have with my Savior is a blood covenant; there is no greater promise to give someone than that of your own life to sacrifice. The least I can do is reciprocate such an act of pure love. Will I be able to sit with myself when the flames of this world have consumed all of those around me? Will I be able to stand myself? No, because I will never be sitting by myself. I will always be near to my Jesus, near enough to hear his heart beat as if it were my own.