Ever Write Something That Took Forever Because You Kept Getting Angry About The Subject? [Updated]

Haven't been on here as much as I've wanted these last few months, not because of holidays and schedule or whatnot, but because what I was going to say required me to cool off for a bit before attempting the following story. For those that didn't know, my dad used to be a pastor at a church in Hemet. For those that did know, the phrase "used to be" may have caught you off guard.

We've been in Hemet for three years now, as of the first of this month actually. Dad had been an associate pastor at this church before, but then we were called to go to Riverside where we stayed for 12 years, then were called back to Hemet. We ended up at the same place along with a new youth pastor and, at the time, his fiance (now wife). After a year we got really involved in the different ministries and so forth, but come the end of our first year the church was having some financial difficulties and wages needed to be cut temporarily. Dad's was cut 20%, I was never paid for anything so made no difference to me other than I took up more responsibilities with my job outside the church. No biggie, we took the cut to help the church through a rough spot.

About six or eight months pass and rumors start circulating that the board was wanting to release a few staff members. My dad, being the man he is, went to the source - the board. The board members at that time informed him that there were only a couple that wanted to release the youth pastor and my dad along with the worship leader. A few weeks past and the board had their meetings and deliberations, or whatever it is they do, and the youth pastor and my dad got to stay but the worship leader "stepped down to pursue her master's degree". Yes she is getting her master's in music but I have my own assumptions as to what happened considering that a month later we have a new worship leader, but that's besides the point.

December comes around again and apparently it's salary hacking time because they wanted to cut wages 15%, or around there, I don't remember the exact number for this go 'round. A lot of the maintenance staff and others her were being compensated were either laid off or changed their status to volunteer. Only problem with my dad was that his original 20% cut from the year prior had yet to be reinstated. Again, everyone was told that the wages would be reinstated when things got better. Ya, ok.

February rolls around and my dad is asked to come to a meeting with the board and the senior pastor. We're thinking, "cool, wages are going to be reinstated, or at least some." Wrong, the senior pastor had the audacity to question my dad on why no tithe check had come through the offering. Well duh, God only asks for 10% and we gave 20%, you want us to make it 30% of the tuppences you pay us? Keep in mind that, by now, I'm an IT manager working only 15 hours a week and I'm making the same amount of money as my dad was, who was pulling 60 hour weeks easily. Naturally we were upset but we decided that if we couldn't pay actual cash we'd go ahead and do extra stuff around the church and with other ministries. We did this for the rest of the year. Then the pastor comes to us in October with the guy HIRED to be part of the financial committee and says that what we are doing is an offering and we have to write an actual check to the church. Dad was ticked with this but figured he'd do it. Wasn't sure why but he did, and it turns out it's a good thing he did.

Thanksgiving is coming up and, yet again, rumors are circling that people are going to get laid off. We have new board members at this time so once again dad asks them what's up. They said that it's possible he could be getting cut along with the youth pastor and his wife, who is now pregnant with their first child. Sounds familiar. We continue with our work and the Sunday of Thanksgiving week, mom and dad are pulled into a board meeting after the morning service and were informed that the Friday before was our last week on staff. Cowards didn't even try to negotiate a part time salary deal or anything, they should've asked because dad was willing to do part time work at the church for just our medical insurance (my brother has cerebral palsy, so naturally we want that first) which wasn't much, and get another job elsewhere to pay for everyday living. Happy Thanksgiving to us, we may not even be able to afford to go see my dying uncle like we planned months ago, mainly because WE STILL HADN'T BEEN REINSTATED TO FULL WAGES. Whatever, we figured we'd go anyway, family is very important.

Get back from our trip, good times and uplifted spirits, I go to church to and continue with my stuff. Dad didn't because, well, kinda hard to show up to a church that you were pastoring and all of the sudden have to tell people you're not a pastor anymore. Apparently during Thanksgiving week, unknown to us, the membership got wind of what happened and started making calls. The Sunday I came back, I had found out that one of the other associates, Pastor Dave White, had resigned because of how things are being handled administratively. Services continued as if nothing happened, those who weren't called must've assumed dad and Pastor Dave were out of town for the holiday. 

Wednesday comes and everyone was asked to come to an emergency meeting and "prayer night". I show up ticked off for obvious reasons but I was wanting to hear what was going to be said. Dad showed up to give his piece when the time came, along with the youth pastor. They went over the financial information for the year and said that cuts had to be made, so "Pastor Mike has been let go and Pastor Chris (youth pastor) has had his wages cut by 71%, and Nancy (senior pastor's wife) has been released also." First thing I thought was, "71% sure is an exact percentage, weird" and then I remembered something. Pastor Chris and his wife were renting a room from the senior pastor while they were finalizing things on a house they just bought, she's a teacher so the cut wasn't as bad for them since they had a dual income whereas our family didn't. Mom stays with my brother and I pay for my stuff. I did some quick number crunching and wouldn't you know it, the remaining salary of Pastor Chris is darn near to the amount for rent and some food and that's it. Interesting yes? After people heard that dad was released they got quite upset and they aren't dumb either. One lady towards the end of the meeting, I don't know her name, got up and asked the senior pastor what he took as far as a cut in pay. His first response was "Nancy has been released.." which would bring their household income down, followed by his wingman stating "Pastor didn't take a cut in salary because, with Pastor Mike being released he must take on twice the responsibilities." Are you kidding me?! We've been cut 20% for over two years and he has yet to take a cut?! The number show that anyone related to him hasn't been cut either, as a matter of fact, the person who brought it up in the office was fired.

Needless to say the service following the meeting wasn't exactly what it normally was for an evening service, but I played and went about my evening. The following Sunday morning, the senior pastor gets up in front of everyone before he started teaching and apologized for the poor decisions being made and said that God told him that he needed to"offer Pastor Mike and Pastor Chris 50% of my salary, with 40% going to Pastor Mike and 10% going to Pastor Chris." He meant an 80/20 split of the 50 but he's not good with numbers, go figure considering he's the executive. Anyway, the entire congregation gives a standing ovation and old people all over the church hugged and kissed me. I thank them for not pinching me, that's at least one thing they stopped doing.

I go home and tell mom and dad what happened and their jaws literally dropped, the senior pastor doesn't do things like this. So Monday dad was called back in and he picked up right where he left off. The following Sunday rolls around and people are excited he's back and all that jazz, then dad was asked to come in to a meeting after service. Once again we're thinking they'll be discussing the actual numbers and hours and everything that goes along with the new wages. I wait around till after the meeting because of a few things I had to take care of. I wait in my car and see mom and dad come out of the meeting, then I get really concerned because dad's face is about as red as Rudolph's nose. He informs me that the "board" took back the salary offer. So basically the "board" vetoed what God wanted? Really? The vote wasn't even close to unanimous. Four board members were against holding back the wages, 6 were for it, and 2 abstained. To me, if God says something, we don't need to take it to a vote, you just do it. They said that pastor would be put into financial hardship if he took that big of a cut. Lies, he was making over three times what my dad did and we were able to make it just fine, even with all the added medical expenses of my brother. I honestly think he was intimidated or jealous or something of my dad and wanted him out of there. Kind of like a Saul and David thing when people were singing about David and whatnot. Good job Saul.

After I found out about that I was slightly pissed off. After praying and thinking and talking with a few close people who's opinions I hold close, I decided I'd be leaving the church. I wouldn't be playing the drums, I would be taking the drums with me since the church had been using my personal kit for the last three years, I'd give the website code over to someone else, no more running sound as a backup nor the powerpoint stuff, and no more FREE IT work. I informed the leaders in the departments of my decision and exactly why and that Sunday would be my last service.

Tuesday, the senior pastor comes to our house with some paperwork and begins accusing my dad of stealing from God by not tithing. He said that HE couldn't give up 50% of his salary (didn't he say that God told him to do it? Oh ya, he did) to someone who doesn't tithe. I heard this with my own ears because where they were talking was on the other side of my bedroom wall and I was getting ready to go to work. I couldn't believe it. Dad asked him to show something proving that after all we've been through and even the little meeting they had about writing a check, that he wasn't tithing. Mom handed dad the checkbook ledger and the senior pastor gave him the giving report. Wouldn't you know it, both matched up exactly. So where's the problem? He wouldn't give a clear answer, kinda like a politician. I didn't get a chance to hear the rest because I had to get to work but I know he didn't stay much longer after I left.

That Sunday comes and the "pastor" gets up in front of everyone and says that "Pastor Mike will not be allowed back until he reconciles himself with the leadership of this church and with God" because he "is not a team player and doesn't believe in what we're teaching." Are you freaking kidding me?! You actually stood in front of the people, behind the pulpit, and flat out lie to everyone?! You dare come against my dad, when he's not even there, and start slamming him after everything he did for you?! Not a team player? When you were gone for a total of two months, who stepped in and took your responsibilities? Who was the one that brought up the Wednesday morning service for the seniors and actually got it to grow in no time flat? Who was the one making all the phone calls and house visits to all the sick and dying people? Not a team player? He did your job! Don't even start with the doesn't believe in the teachings crap. You were taking notes in his class, I saw it with my own eyes! 

After the morning service was over I took my drums down and went home. Not my fault you have no other drummer to rotate in, you can figure out your computer nonsense yourself now. All I care about is leaving the lies and pride and watching where I step on that platform. I like my shoes to stay clean and not smell like, well, the nursery's trash after feeding time. Merry Christmas to me.

I've only been on that property once since then, last week, and that was to help dad clean out his office. I couldn't help but laugh when we opened a box that came in the mail and it was a new financial road map series he had ordered for the church. The person the pastor got rid of was the one who was trying to get the church financially upright again. Have fun with your interest only payments morons, it increases next year too. Enjoy paying your back bills as well, and you'll need to find people to replace the ones who are leaving, I've been directly contacted by some of those who are leaving and you need them.

Apparently today or sometime recent, the senior pastor announced that he'd be giving half of his salary (sound familiar?) to the general fund. Odd, I thought he couldn't afford to do that? God must have told him the wrong thing to do the first time. As far as Pastor Dave, no announcement that I'm aware of has been made about his resignation either. People might put stuff together if they see the two strongest associates were let go/left at the same time. The Bible may refer to us as sheep, but we aren't that stupid.

So to you, Randy Jones, I have lost all respect for you. I don't believe anything you say, you have lost my trust and you will not be gaining it back. I will not be speaking with you, anywhere. You will have to answer to God for your actions but don't come to me with your "kind words". It's all fake and I do not care for facades in the slightest. You have hurt me, my family, and most importantly the church itself. All I can figure out in this whole thing is that this had nothing to do with money. I believe it is like Saul and David, people chanting "Saul has killed his thousands and David his tens of thousands". It's a pride thing and going by Proverbs 16:18, watch yourself. I've heard rumblings of people saying that my dad was going to take your spot and the church would flourish. As flattering as that may be, that was never why we came here. God called us to this valley, He has not told us to go anywhere else, and we will do as God commands. God didn't release us from Valle Vista, man did. Do not contact me at all, I'll still be in contact with your children, my friends, and your family, but you personally, I will not speak with you.




[Update]

Here's the audio clip of the first announcement. The only thing I did to the clip is take out the sermon, but left a little lead in to it. Otherwise I'd have to upload a file that's over an hour long and I don't want to do that.
(If you're using Internet Explorer and the audio player isn't showing, leave a comment)

Talmidim - For Today

I've been playing this song over and over and over everywhere I go. I can't get enough of it. It's from one of my favorite bands, For Today, off of their latest album entitled "Portraits". Had to share it with you. Check out the song here.

Lord of glory, make us worthy to possess your name. Lord of glory, make us worthy to possess your name. And give us a new name. And call us your people, God. And give us a new name.

(Ezekiel 36:26-28) – “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. You will live in the land I gave to your forefathers; you will be my people and I will be your God.”

Lord of glory, make us worthy to possess your name. Lord of glory, make us worthy to possess your name. And give us a new name. And call us your people, God. And give us a new name.

And through all of this, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, no fear, no insecurity, no doubt, no hesitation that will ever, ever stop us. Because we are the sons of the living God, because we are the children of the Almighty, because we are the residents of the kingdom of heaven, and we are soldiers in an army of the immortal. And when we speak life, life happens, and when we speak healing, healing happens, and when we speak truth, truth happens. And when we go take what we found to a dead world, we’ll see it come to life again, and when we take what we found to a hopeless world, we’ll see hope come back. We’ll see the heart of our world start beating again, and we’ll see the color come back into people’s faces. Absolutely nothing will ever stop that. Mountains will move before us, and oceans will part before us, and the dead will raise before us. And the world will know that our God is the God that heals, and our God is a God that lives, and our God is a God that loves, and like anything that anyone has ever felt before, because we are fearless, and because we are His hands, and because we are His feet. Forever, and ever. 

Lord of glory, make us worthy to possess your name. (x6)

It's Alive

It's been a bit since I've posted something, and for good reason. My main computer went down and all I've had to work with is a little netbook. I could've posted with it but got tired of looking at that little screen for as long as I have to at work, much less at home just messing around. So I've slowly been buying parts and have finally put together my new rig. If you don't care much for computer specs that's fine, you can skip to the bottom for a joke my uncle sent me.

Chassis: Antec NineHundred
Soon to be a Cooler Master Cosmos, it's on order

Motherboard: Asus P6T Deluxe

CPU: Intel Core i7 920 2.67GHz
Picked up the 920 because of rumors about new i7's coming out around Q1 next year and couldn't see the sense in spending twice as much for a processor now when new stuff will be the same price this time next year

RAM: 6 GB of Patriot DDR3 1600 MHz

HDD's: System Drive - 300 GB Western Digital Velociraptor (10,000 RPM)
Secondary Drive - 1 TB Seagate Barracuda

GPU: NVidia GTX 280

Optical Drives: Samsung DVD burners w/Lightscribe Model: SH-223 (2x)
Adding a blu-ray drive once they drop a bit more for internal installations

Sound Card: Creative Labs X-Fi Xtreme Gamer

Network Card: Bigfoot Xeno Pro NIC

Monitor: LG 24" LCD
Resolution: 1920 x 1080
Refresh: 2ms

Speakers: Bose Companion Series II

Mouse: Logitech G5

Keyboard: Razer Arctosa

Operating System: Windows 7 RC
October needs to come soon, I have my retail copy on order

So there you have it, that's my rig set up as of now. Once the holidays and my birthday have past we'll see what changes occur. Until then, it's time to get some gaming done!



For those bored by all that tech jargon, here's the joke I promised. I cleaned it up a bit but the punchline is still there.

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred" he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred" the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Wages of Sin - War of Ages

We've reached our destination yet we've failed you
Dragged through our consequences in our wake we fall

Rise to the satisfaction
Hold to the pain we bear
With our demise we rise in all our glory
Rise to avenge our past
Rise as hearts ret glare
Rise with every heart beat
Rise!

Why have we used our pain as an excuse to fight so boldly
Here I am use me in every moment I have left
We fall

For those of you who hide in the shadows of our forefathers
We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed
Perplexed but not in despair
Persecuted but not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed!

Push through this final hour, truth lies within destiny
We bow in your presence, bring forth the fallen world
Stand for what's been promised, we've reached our destination
Throughout life we waver and falter and now we wage war

Hold me in your arms, how patiently we wait for our own death
We wait for you oh Lord to come and fill the emptiness inside me

Why have we used our pain as an excuse to fight so boldly
Here I am use me in every moment I have left

Padre

The greatest gift I ever had came from God, I call him Dad. He's always been there, even when he's not. He's taught me nearly everything I know, even when he hasn't. He's always given me guidance, even when he hasn't. He's taught me how to solve problems, even when I'm not experiencing them. No matter where I go or what I do, he's there. I am him, and yet I'm not. With everything I have gone through, am experiencing, or have yet to come across, I have been prepared and equipped to handle.

I've been asked who my role model is, and all my life I've never really had an answer. It was never any particular athlete, or great person of history, and contrary to a recent poll it's not Spiderman either. A role model is one who should be looked up to and admired, even one who could be mirrored or modeled after, and that person would be my dad. He's gone above and beyond the call of duty constantly, loved me unconditionally, expected only my best effort from me not caring about what the best outcome could be. He's helped me muster up the courage to tackle obstacles I normally wouldn't have, given me the wisdom to both avoid and attract situations as need be. He was, is, and always will be my best friend, and for all this, I am thankful and blessed.

Love you dad, I pray that one day I will be even half the dad to my children as you are to me.

Letting Go

The question, "How do you know when to let go or take a hint?" was recently posed to me. Given the context of the conversation, it was pertaining to relationships, and with my history of relationships (none) I shall try to answer this.

There are a few things I see just in the phrasing of the question. First, how do you know when to let go. To me it would seem that you are past the point of thinking if you need to let go and are now looking for your off ramp. Most of the time time when we are not sure about whether or not we should stay with someone or something, or stick it out just a little longer, we ask if we've made the right decision in the first place. But once you get to the point where you are asking when you need to end something, it's usually an indicator that you know you either want out or need to get out and end it. What those reasons are could be justified and perfectly reasonable, whether it be infidelity in a relationship, can't meet contractual obligations, etc.

The second part, taking a hint, also points to the fact that hints have been seen but ignored. Hints are not given by accident, they are purposefully given as a way to communicate one thing without having to actually say or act on something at that very moment. Some hints are communicated quite clearly. For example, if your "garden hose" starts to rattle, let it go, it's not happy with you. If you are holding Sylvester and his ears suddenly go back and feels like Beelzebub is rising up, put kitty down and walk away. Those hints are clearly for the benefit of both parties. Snakes don't want to waste venom and risk losing fangs and cats are just lazy and don't really want to exert all that energy shredding your flesh. But there are hints that don't benefit both parties involved, and at times are motivated by selfishness by the one giving the hint.

If someone has to communicate through hints and not just clearly communicate what they are feeling, that's usually an indicator that they are looking for an easy way out and not make themselves look like the "bad guy". Neither of these questions, deciding when to let go or taking a hint, can really be answered until we know the answer to this - Why are you holding on in the first place and is it worth holding?

It Doesn't Interest Me

Alright, I have some questions that were sent to me that I'm finally getting around to posting. These were sent a while back but I finally had time one night to respond. I didn't go question by question, but rather, took different chunks and answered that way. So here we go.

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you’re telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”

Dare I dream to meet my heart’s longing? That is what I ache for, to obtain a closeness with God that penetrates my soul so deep that an ever burning fire is ignited in me so bright that others may see it from afar. Not to have me looked upon by others, but for me to show others who to look upon. Not to raise me up, but to lower myself in humility and raise up my brethren. Not to stand out and above others, but to kneel and lay before God so that others may use me as a stepping stone to not only see, but to reach their highest goals and achieve the highest reward that our Savior has awarded to them.

Is it really a risk to look like a fool if it is for the one you truly love, and would you then be a fool at all? A fool knows not of when true love has consumed him, and an even greater fool fears to express the love that burns so deep within him for fear of social displacement. When one loves genuinely, they can do nothing to resist the responses of this, one of if not the biggest and greatest, emotion. It ties spirits into an inseparable bond that no man can break or come between. Only he who ignores and stifles this feeling is the fool.

Touched my inner sorrow? Not only have I touched it, I have fought with it face to face, fist to fist. This feeling of hate towards me from my own blood, those who have vowed to protect me and are now attacking me with the very things they vowed protection from. I have been gashed and bleeding for far too long, this fight has lasted far longer than necessary, if it was necessary at all. Has it made me shrivel and protect myself from further pain? No, it has made me callused towards such actions, so callused that I fear I am too numb to recognize the deeper pains that others are feeling for fear that I may be gashed once again. Rather than avoiding this fear I have gladly embraced it and may not let it go, to be a reminder to me do defend others from these very attacks and distractions, not to rescue them, but to build and train them to become warriors against such a hate filled army that we may end all further offensive fronts. Moving to hide such fronts does not end them, neither will allowing it to fade, nor fixing them. These attacks and feelings can only be dealt with in one manner and that is to obliterate them. Destroy all weapons and defenses of the enemy and scourge them with righteous wrath. Only through redemption will these battles come to an end, only one Commander in Chief can give the order for such a counter attack. I must be His attentive warrior and await his orders.

When filled with pure joy, the joy of the Father, it would be a shame to hinder our gratitude. A genuine feeling of happiness and love will have nothing stand in its path while on its way to expression. It would be a dishonor not to express such heavenly feelings to the one who gave us this feeling to begin with. If we hinder this joy out of fear of what our peers may contrive, it will only hurt us to know that we are not as devoted as we once thought. Then this ecstasy we once were feeling has turned to sadness, and we have allowed this amazing joy to be stripped from our hearts. There is no reasoning that can be found as to hiding such actions. We should praise Him with all of hearts, all of our souls, all of our being. There will then be no limitations as to how we can express such love and happiness and gratefulness towards our Savior who is this Love that we experience. He is willing to allow us, as sinners, to experience Him on the most personal level possible. How can this be denied?

Disappointing another to be true to yourself is difficult at times to deal with. We risk losing those who are closest to us. But in reality, if we aren’t true to ourselves, are we not then just lying to ourselves? Would we then be lying and untrue to the one who we cannot fool? Being untrue with ourselves is then disappointing to the ultimate friend. Would we be willing to risk the accusation from others of betrayal? I pray that we would. If we betray our souls, we betray He who made that soul with his own hands. The hands that took the time to mold each one of us individually with love and care, the same hands that were nailed to a tree for our wickedness that we allowed to pervert his perfect creation.

Trustworthiness and fidelity are too hard to obtain from others, and too risky to trust others. Why risk ruining any relationship, being friends, romantic, or family? Trust is a tool that holds us together when life is trying to tear us apart, consoles us when we are in need of comfort, and gives us the courage we need when we need that extra little push to go beyond what we have placed as our limits.

Can I see beauty in everyday? Yes. Everyday is filled with God’s love and special hand crafting. There are no ugly days. There are days that have been perverted by the enemy, but they are no match for the perfect days that we experience, and every day is beautiful in God's eyes.

I’m cursed with this ability to go day to day after a tear filled night of grief and wonder. No one knows how I’m feeling from day to day and because of this they offer no help, no guidance, no shoulder to cry on, no ear to lend to just hear my pain for once. But I must be strong, not for the children, but for my brother. If he knew how much I grieve for him every night as I watch him sleep peacefully, he would wish to no longer exist. I can’t bear even the thought of that. I love him too much. I don’t want to go a day without seeing him smile and ignore all of his inabilities as we talk and laugh. It’s just no fair, but fair or not, I must keep moving. One day this will all be behind us, I try to leave it in God’s hands but, I have trouble letting go. I don’t know why. I guess I keep going on and on in search of that very answer. The day will come, however, that I will let go and Josh will run free with no worries or cares anymore.

The fire in which we will stand together has no power over the fire that burns within us. This very fire is the same source of power the holds me together when the world is tearing me apart. The bond that I have with my Savior is a blood covenant; there is no greater promise to give someone than that of your own life to sacrifice. The least I can do is reciprocate such an act of pure love. Will I be able to sit with myself when the flames of this world have consumed all of those around me? Will I be able to stand myself? No, because I will never be sitting by myself. I will always be near to my Jesus, near enough to hear his heart beat as if it were my own.

Semper Fidelis

In observance of Memorial Day, I would like to send my gratitude to all those who have or are currently serving our country. Without these men and women, we would not be the country that we are, we would not have the freedoms that we do. So many times we, as Americans, take things for granted. We become very selfish and act as though we own this place, but in reality, we did nothing. It is because of the hard, brave work of our soldiers that continuously fight to keep our country the best in the world. The way we act at times is an injustice to what our soldiers are fighting to protect.

Without you, we would not be able to voice our opinions, no matter how misinformed and irrelevant they may be. Without you, we would not be able to worship. Without you, we would not have a voice in the way the government is conducted. Without you, we would not be who we are as a nation. We are the best and we are blessed.

Thank you to all of our service men and women. You do more work before 5 AM than most of us do all week. You've seen, heard, and fought against things that we can barely imagine. I appreciate all that you do and have done. For those who paid the ultimate price in service our America, may God bless your families for the sacrifice you made. I know that I personally will never take you or your service for granted

God Is A Drummer

One night while doing my devotions, I decided to look at the Bible from a different perspective, one of a drummer. I was reading some of my old notes and I noticed different characteristics of God that are a must have for drummers, those mainly being the ability to form patterns and, more importantly, timing.

First thing I noticed were the patterns. A pattern can be one repeating beat like that of polka, or it can be like those of the melodic metal scene where the piano is slowly singing its tune and the drummer is having a foot parade with blast beats. No matter how complex or simple the pattern, drummers must be able to repeat those patterns. Likewise, God can take one item like a star and make so many patterns with one big ball of burning gas. Or He’ll take the sounds of crashing waves against the rocks of the shore at midnight and make the most beautiful music with numerous sounds, each on its own time and yet, in time with the rest of the sea.

Now comes the fun part, the timing. If you do not have an ounce of timing that can be squeezed out of you, you should be fired and forbidden to ever call yourself a drummer again. The entire premise of drumming is timing, even when you are playing an off-beat pattern you are still keeping time. Listen to jazz and you’ll understand (Slow sax and fast drums in 13/8 time or something insane like that). In order to play a complicated hand-foot combination one must first have hand coordination, then foot coordination, followed by mixing those two together, one step at a time. God in the same way has a timeline to all things that He does. This first stood out to me in the beginning, Genesis 1-2:1-3. The very first thing He does is make space. Duh, we all need some sort of space to work in, on, and with. Next comes the light. Without sufficient light one cannot see the space in which they are working in, unless you’re Yehweh. Now that God has the space and light to work with, He puts more space in the middle of the water that is on the earth and calls it sky, or for the scientifically inclined, atmosphere. Then He decides that water is okay but it has no significant stability whatsoever and He makes dry land in the middle of the sea. Now he has a foundation to put stuff on and in. In come the plants, but more specifically, seed-bearing plants (1:11) in order to produce more plants. That’s a repeating pattern in my book. Plants are okay but they tend to be a little on the green side. So God created the sun, moon, stars, and other space art to mark the seasons and days and other time keeping devices. Next came the fish and birds. Some fish like to hide in caves and birds like to live in trees and anywhere else imaginable, so in order to meet that standard God made the land first and followed it up with plants and trees. After the fish and birds have settled God brings in the first gardeners to cut the grass and prune the trees and makes them in the shape of cows, sheep, giraffes, and so on. Finally God creates something that is very close to His heart, man. Man would not have been able to survive the same had God not first timed his creations. Adam could have been swimming in the dark and run into a rock that came , quite literally, out of nowhere, and when he looked up he got blasted by the first rays of light from the sun. Same with the birds and fish. Last I knew, carp don't do too well on dry land, nor are hummingbirds very good at deep sea diving.

So what am I trying to say? Well, with God being the drummer that he is, I would suggest that you just leave all things with Him and not worry about them. Stuff happens for a reason, whether good or bad. Everything is in the hands of the ultimate timekeeper. All we need to worry about is doing our part in the time that He wants, that is when our lives will form the most beautiful symphony imaginable.

P.S.
Psalm 150:5 is the life verse of any drummer

Sure...Why Not

Decided to start this little thing for pretty much no reason at all. There are times I have random thoughts or questions and I feel like writing them out, or maybe draw something, or just ramble. This will pretty much be where it all goes. Hopefully I don't embarass my English teachers too much in the process.

I do have a running thing. I'm always trying to be as open as I can be. It keeps me honest and holds me accountable for my actions and thoughts. So, if anyone has any questions about me, doesn't matter what they are, I'm willing to answer them here. I will quote you in my answer as well. The answers will be as open and honest as possible. I haven't run across a question I'm afraid of yet.